Father's Day can be difficult for some....
Some reasons are seemingly apparent, while others are hidden behind a functional relationship & a family get together over the BBQ or a few pints....so what is going on under the surface and how does it affect your life today?
'Happy Father’s Day' marketing emails have come in thick and fast this week, after all, today is a celebration of all the Dad’s & Dad role takers in our world, and who wouldn't want to make an effort to celebrate the ones they love….particularly in such isolating and uncertain times??
....but as with all ‘celebrations’ or celebratory days, we’re often caught up in the having 'fun' or commercial 'should be doing' side of things to pay a little attention to the meaning.
Fathers’ day can be a difficult day for many….those who have lost their Father or have never known them, those who have a strained or estranged relationship with their Father, those who are longing to be a Father....
But it can also be a difficult day for Father’s too….those who are estranged from their children, those never known or been absent from their children, those who have lost children, Father’s who regret their way of parenting or wish they could be closer their children but don’t know 'how', those struggling to adapt to the role of being a parent/step-parent....
Even those who have a good 'surface' relationship with their Dad but have never heard the words I Love You or shared a hug.
There are children who have taken up hobbies, jobs, beliefs, personality traits and roles to try & get a sign of that approval or display of affection they craved as a child….and if you’re one of the many Father’s who struggled to know how to show love and affection, or children who needed it, there can be a lot of pain and emotion, guilt, sadness and regret over time and opportunity lost, particularly in mind on days like today….but it’s important to understand this
‘We can only do the best we know how’
At one time, I found those words hard to swallow....I grew up in a home featuring domestic violence in the form of a stressed out Step-Father, I often wished my Dad (who had moved to another country) was there to protect me from it, my Grandfather was a 'joker' who distracted from sadness through humour and as such wasn't any help, and the partner's I attracted in later life were prototypes of Step-dad/Father/Grandfather, bringing about repeated childhood experiences!
**Please bear in mind that as this is Father's Day, i'm only discussing the 'Father' side of things....I have a whole blog & possibly book to write on the Mother's side of things too....watch this space! lol**
So is that my attitude now?....Absolutely not. I love my Dad, I send love & forgiveness to my Step-Fathers, Grandfather & ex partners, because I truly understand that 'We only do what we can with what we know at the time'.
I've never been a vengeful or judgemental person, I think because any of the blame for the bad things that happened, I directed at myself...."It must have been my fault somehow"
....because of that, I ended up with some seriously low self-esteem and in a seriously bad place in life....but it also led me to realise, when I couldn't be any more 'Stepford wife', not possibly more accommodating, loyal, considerate, tolerant, quiet....it didn't matter if I was thinner, curvier, funny, serious, clever, playing 'dumb', ambitious or hiding my talents....when i'd chameleon'd it to the max and it made no difference, there had to be another option....so I started exploring....'why do people behave the way they do?'
Why can't they accept me? Why are they so judgemental/aggressive/rejecting/dismissing....what have I done wrong when i've made myself as small and undemanding as possible?
Those questions were monumental and started me upon the habit of 'reflection'....thinking back to past experiences and questioning what was going on with the other people in my life....and if I was not the 'cause' of their behaviour, what was?....and more importantly....how was I allowing it?
Fair enough, I had no choice in childhood, but I was a (kind of) an adult now, what were my options? What were my boundaries?...."Boundaries you mean i'm allowed them? I'm allowed to choose what feels right or OK to me?" was the automatic reply in my head...."But surely that's selfish or difficult, I have to make sure everyone else is happy, then I will be OK too," then it came to me...."I'll be safe & loved....people won't leave me if I can just be better or less 'there', if I make my life about everyone else"
Where did this come from??
The more I reflected, the more I discovered....I studied Psychology and learned that there were Psychological concepts and theories that show how this happens in life-Why isn't everyone shown this??!-and I met person after person who had experienced it in their own lives....and those on the opposite side of things too!
People who had to make others conform to their way of living/thinking through punishment/reward/manipulation/dismissal/avoidance, etc, etc....and I found that THEY weren't happy either, they suffered superficial/'surface' relationships that required constant control or an avatar that demanded constant upkeep and came with the fear of being 'found out'
....as a result of the lack of acceptance of/showing who they really were, each person involved was not an actual real person who genuinely wanted to be there, but a 'hostage' desperate for love acceptance & approval, a person wearing a mask.
It made no sense to betray yourself so as to please others, yet the world is largely made up of people who do it or expect others to do it....and people aren't 'bad'....they just don't know any different, and if it springs to mind at any point that they may have betrayed themselves or asked another to do so, the tidal wave of feelings that come along with that recognition can be overwhelming....not to mention what our 'mistakes' mean for 'the kind of person we are'
....but every day is a chance to change things, to decide to look to the past as a reference point not a destination, a chance to make amends, be willing to forgive others and ourselves for not knowing any better (yes, it may take time & that's ok), and to choose to do things differently.
So, if you feel like you have chosen a certain path that doesn’t quite fit in with the life you wanted to lead in order to gain love & approval....Reconsider, ask yourself What can I do today that was in line with who I wanted to be? and How can I understand that despite their actions my Dad showed he loved me the best way he knew how?
If you're a Father who feels like you tried to make your Children fit with who and what was comfortable for you, what would make them your idea of safe, successful or ‘a good person’, Reconsider….try accepting them as they are, respect their individuality and offer guidance rather than expecting conformity, recognise their time & place in the world is different to you own and that they may well be more connected to that time & place than you....and that's OK. It's not your job to always know everything & teach, but to support, guide and love. try and see what their experience
If you feel estranged or isolated from your Dad, reach out….try and understand their experience of life, their history, ask them questions (if you're both comfortable with it) or perhaps tell them you love them or how you feel....if this is too raw/damaging or isn’t possible in person, write a letter and let it out on paper, you can keep it, burn it (safely!), turn it into a paper aeroplane and let it fly away, whatever suits you, you’ll be surprised what may come out.
We were all children once and ALL children are born needing the security of love and acceptance for the people they are, if this wasn’t available for you (and due to the nature of being a parent, history of parenting practices, attitudes to children & monumental world events such as wars, etc it rarely is!) it will have had an effect on the person you are today
By the way, the psychological concepts that support this are developmental-social-psych Transgenerational Trauma and bio-psych Epigenetics if you’re a logical, ‘need evidence’ kinda person (definitely me!)
Which shows how parental experiences & attitudes of/to relationships are passed down through families through genetic adaptation of parent’s DNA in response to their environment & through their own childhood experience of their parenting....
....but, as i've shared above, it's also life experience....as a parent, a child with strained relations with my own parents & bearing witness to their own challenges and the challenges of those I have been close to (and their family patterns!)
....surmounting our own individual experiences always comes down to making peace with the fact that ‘They did their best with what they knew at the time’ (as we also do....can't wait to hear what i've done wrong as a parent from my own kids! lol)
And while I can attest to the fact that those are some tricky words to accept if you have been through some difficult or traumatic experiences that have their origin in childhood, I can also say that when you work through the emotion attached, you can gain the freedom of forgiveness, understanding and action….it empowers you to change some element of your experience moving forward, rather than being stuck repeating the same experiences, emotions….(whether you ignore/suppress/distract from recognising them or not!) and will forge the way for truly genuine relationships and a much happier and content life.
#fathersday #father #dad #stepdad #stepfather #grandad #grandfather #fatherwound #reflection #reflectionisthekey #yourpastisareferencepointnotadestination #transgenerationaltrauma #epigenetice #mentalhealth #selfawareness #personalgrowth #love #family #evolve
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